Here I am, on the eve of entering my matresence journey. A moment captured in time, not long before I held our baby in my arms.
As I look back on this version of myself 7 years ago, it feels like only yesterday, yet also a lifetime ago.
We all know matresence changes us, but the evolution and growth I’ve undergone in the past 7 years of life as a mother has been nothing like I could have imagined.
The woman that sat here on this same couch 7 years ago was one that often went against her own intuition and inner knowing, all to please others. Frozen with the fear of judgement and how others would perceive her. Recognising now that none of which I was present to at the time. Arrrhhh the beauty of hindsight.
This woman embarking on her motherhood journey thought she had so much figured out. She was confident with babies and children, spending the past decade looking after and being with families in their home and the classroom. She thought it would be an easeful transition.
And in many ways it was.
Until I began a big transformation where the world around me seemed to shift and change, and so many of my life values and beliefs were up for question.I began seeing parenting in a new way and my desire to show up and hold space for my kids emotions began to clash with the older parts of me, and the ways I was living.
Whilst this good girl and people pleaser still shows her head to this very day, I’m slowing learning that as a mother, a woman, a wife, the most loving and compassionate thing I can do for myself, and those around me; particularly my boys, is tuning into that inner knowing.
And that means choosing me, making choices and decisions that feel aligned for me, even if (and maybe especially when) it doesn’t make sense to others.
It’s been an incredible time of reflection the past few weeks, as I look back at the woman I was and all the evolutions I have been through.
As I look at this picture and feel into the depths of grief, for the longing to grow and birth another baby still alive in me, I feel the enormity of love and gratitude that this matresence journey has gifted me thus far.
My boy and I shared tears this morning, about his feelings of growing up.
Not feeling like a baby and little one anymore.
It’s big for both of us.
A new chapter in our lives and for our family constellation.
With love and connection,
Emily xxx
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